I know that over the years many couples can anticipate what the other feels and thinks about a variety of situations and these successful unions are often the result of a meeting of the minds on many of these issues. But if you are like me, and I suspect many of you are, from time to time, (I am trying to be delicate here as my wife reads this column) caught completely of guard by your spouses reaction to situations you assumed you agreed upon. Since I am a relatively young man, 44 years old, these issues revolve around social issues and not being as sensitive to my wife’s feeling as maybe I should have been. That being said, we do agree on most things.

But when it comes to money and what spouses feel, understand and anticipate, what you expect, well, is probably not what you’ll get.

In a survey conducted with 502 couples that have been married for at least 24 years, with an average age of 54 for men and 53 for women, and nine years from retirement, they had some major disagreements on what to expect and how to get there. 

 61% disagreed on which income source (workplace savings, pensions, Social Security, etc.) would be their primary income source of funds in retirement.
 58% disagreed about whom their spouse would turn to for financial guidance in the event of the other spouse’s death.
 41% disagreed about whether at least one partner would work in retirement.
 39 % differed on the amount of their life insurance coverage.

One way to resolve some of these issues is to sit down and go over some of the more important financial and social issues that will play a major role in your retirement and in your spending habits and expectations. Some questions that each of you should answer separately are:

 How much income can you expect to have?
 Where do you expect to live? Perhaps, where do you want to live?
 What is your vision of retirement? Make sure your goals are in line.
 What is your plan for your estate? Charity? Children? Grandchildren?
 What will we do if one or both of us become ill? Do we want to go to an assisted living center? Nursing home?
 Do you have a living will?

Find the issues that are important to you and write your answers down, once again, I suggest doing it separately, and get back together and compare the results. I also suggest a pot of coffee for this part as I anticipate there to be some answers each of you did not expect from the other.

Another issue is how much of this should you share with your children. I am sure your children are wonderful and would never make a decision that may benefit themselves (i.e. their inheritance) over your good time, but be sure there are those from the “ME” generation that will do just that.

Once you start along this process it is sure to bring up some issues you both will not agree upon. It is best however to identify the issues early and reach a compromise rather that allow your lives to progress towards retirement and collide when it may be too late to adjust.

Communication can be the lifeblood of a successful relationship. Use this process to heighten the level of communication and intellectual debate with your spouse. It will lead to good things and show you care about the others feelings and desires. No amount of disagreement will overshadow that significant benefit to your relationship. 

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